After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices aphoto of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give itmuch thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after amonth or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo isstaring at him doing the deed . It was causing him so much anxiety thathe finally decides ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers."Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery"
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A panda walks into a diner, pulls up a chair and orders a sandwich.

After he eats, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and heads for the door.

The owner yells, "Hey...you just shot the waiter, and now you're gonna leave without paying the tab?"

The panda calls back: "I'm a panda, dude. Look it up!" and walks out.

The owner grabs a dictionary and looks up panda:

"A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinctive black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."